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In the Case of Texas v. Montana

Posted on July 15, 2016 Updated on September 21, 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a six-month, court mandated gag order on the results of the most important case ever tried before the Supreme Court, the graphine-sealed court documents have been pried open and its contents spilled out onto a gap-mouthed waiting public.

Were it not for this reporter’s efforts, the results of the landmark case may have, much like the official documents from The Warren Commission Report by the President’s Commission on the Assassination of President Kennedy, never been exposed on our lifetimes. But fear not, gentile reader, for the investigative efforts of an expertly trained journalist will always expose the dark underbelly of even the shortest Pygmy Marmoset.

Therefore, after a six-month gap in crucial beer and/or burger related coverage in order to dig to the bottom of yet another keg … er … attempted government coverup, your intrepid reporter has discovered the truth in the latest case of state-by-state beer competitions.

To wit, this case revolved around the on-going debate between the quality of Montana beers, i.e. beers brewed in Montana, vis-a-vis same said quality of corresponding beers, but not necessarily from contiguous states. The debate, and future court case, began when one unknowning couple moved first from Texas to Virginia, and then Virginia to Montana.

At the time of the initial relocation, not much was known about Virginia beers, while the nascent Texas beer scene was, well, nascent. However, much to the delight of the new Old Dominionites, VA beer was outstanding. From Three Brothers to Three Notch’d, from Hardywood Park to Heritage, and from Apocalypse Ale Works to Young Veterans Brewing (sorry, couldn’t find a Virginia brewery starting with Z), the craft beer scene sparkled more than moissanite, which I don’t have to tell you is a 9.25 on the Moh’s scale, so is suitable for everyday wear.

At the same time, said couple was occasionally returning to the Lone Star State, where craft beer was expanding faster than plastic on a Texas summer day. As a point of reference, dear reader, you should know that plastics typically have a larger coefficient of thermal expansion compared to metals, and therefore expand faster. But back to the beer.

Texas was growing, and not just because it leads the nation in number of people who elect to super-size their meals at McDonald’s. The craft beer scene produced 27 new breweries every 6.13 hours … or at least it seemed like that. How, then, could a dedicated craft beer drinker keep up with the newest options available to his or her discriminating palate? What’s worse, how could our heroic young couple even be aware of the multitudinous options available in their formerly adopted home state when they weren’t living there anymore?

The answer … move to Montana.

“Montana will be great,” their craft beer savvy friends proclaimed. “It has some of the best beer in the country.”

“I know,” said the omniscient husband.

“Yum,” said his thirsty wife.

And so our daring heroes left the comfort of the highest quality craft beer they’d ever experienced and the safety of central Virginia to test their mettle in the Montana wilderness, surviving only on their guile, guts, and outstanding Montana beer … or so they thought.

Upon arriving in the Treasure State — yes, that’s really Montana’s nickname, but c’mon, why not the grizzly state, or the mountain state, or the fishing state, or the Lone Peak State, or the Kaczynski State, or the Get the Hell Outta My State state, which would all be more appropriate — the newbies were treated to the finest concoctions from one local brewery after another by their generous new neighbors. Alas, the tastings left them with more questions than answers.

“Where’s the good Montana beer?” the husband asked.

“Do you think it’s like this everywhere in the state?” the wife pondered.

After months and months of doing nothing but focusing on finding the best Montana beers, and consistently feeling they fell short of what was left behind in the valleys of Virginia, the daring couple challenged their most knowledgable beer-drinking compatriots to a duel that would pit Texas beers against Montana beers. Their former home state against their new home state. A state beer taste-off, if you will.

After placing an order with contacts in Texas, and asking half a half a dozen (yes, three) Montana residents to bring their best Montana beers, the taste-off began as soon as the Texas beers arrived.

And now, faithful reader, the results of the case of Texas v. Montana are being exposed like a Kardashian on Twitter. The truth is out, and it shall set ye free.

• Winner, in the Stout category — Temptress, from the Dallas-area’s Lakewood Brewing Co.

• Winner, in the Porter category — Real Ale Coffee Porter from Real Ale Brewing out of Blanco, Texas.

• Winner, in the Scotch Ale category — Iron Thistle by Rahr & Son’s of Fort Worth.

• Winner, in the IPA category — Mosaic IPA from Community Beer Co. in Dallas.

That’s right, the Texas beers swept all four categories from all five judges in front of six people who sat on seven stools on the eighth day of the week. The only momentary exception was in the Porter competition, when a coconut porter emerged on top, but was later disqualified when it was discovered to have been from Hawaii … or Georgia … I can’t remember. Those states are so close together, it’s a common mistake.

So there you have it. In head-to-head competition between select brews from two of the largest states in the nation, Texas pitched a shutout against Montana.

Still, the work of your favorite reporter is not over. Now that the gag order has been removed in the case of Texas v. Montana, it may be time to investigate the case of Texas v. Virginia. And when those results are in, dear reader, this journalist will faithfully bring the information to you so that you, you, my friend, can make the most informed beer drinking decision possible when traveling from state to state. Yes, I’m willing to make that sacrifice.

Despite the results of this case, and the possible divide it may create between Montanans and Texans, there is one thing that residents of both states can agree upon … Oklahoma still sucks.

— Eric Van Steenburg